‘Simon Stevens wants to take us back to 1991 before the purchaser provider split. Jim Mackey wants to go back two years to when he was a trust CEO.’
It subsequently entered the end of life care pathway with a “do not resuscitate” notice’
‘Hi Jeremy, I’m calling you to offer you your old job back’
“Be assured the body is designed for this eventuality”
This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the minister…
“A flute blower came along and said there was a stench in the lasagne parlour.”
“Everything is essential, dynamic and the answer, until it is replaced”
“We both know that the only way Monitor will pass us is if we treat a lot fewer patients, with even fewer staff and minimal kit”
2012 is the year of the contract. Go back to your offices and prepare for contracting.
What will be this year’s Christmas stocking must have: Mid Staffs Cluedo, PFI Monopoly or Liberating the NHS Scrabble?
Perhaps we should look back to Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution to see who’ll survive in the dog-eat-dog world of health policy.
From being everywhere to suddenly being nowhere, your humble servant goes in search of the health secretary.
Time is running out to get a ticket to the Andrew Lansley show, where the only certainty is there are no certainties.
It’s difficult to make end of financial year decisions when pain aligns so closely with pleasure.
Separating the tweet from the chafe around the blogosphere, a twit begins to tweet.
Good King Dorrell did look out on the feast beneath him, With Andrew lay round about, deeply fried by Stephen…
‘We’re invading your privacy at home, and turning it into the outpatient clinic’
It’s all getting rather confusing with La La Lansley. Is he the mild mannered janitor who turns in to Hong Kong Phooey, or is he just the janitor for Stephen Dorrell?
‘As you can imagine it’s a busy time with new directives coming thick and slow. The team members have become adept at scratching their heads, then armpits and finally groins as they try to work out how to operationalise the sophisticated actions that arise from the no top-down reorganisation reorganisation ...
So this is what it feels like. I’m managing along, minding my own business, when along comes Andrew D Lansley (Dudya to his mates), who liberates me.
‘There is £80bn out there to be carved up between ourselves and the GPs. Well, surely that makes everyone a winner now?’
‘Up pops La La at the Royal Marsden Hospital, in Parliament and on Newsnight saying he had no idea it would come to this’
‘It’s been a few months now, and we’ve had no new strategy, plan or output. I can only assume you’ve been stocking up on additional inadequates so that you can get rid of them easily as cost savings to show off to the new ministers’
‘So what is the opposite of “top down”? Bottom up. And how do we tend to regard things that come out of bottoms?’
‘The Major Incident Plan has been implemented as the first effects of the new regime are felt. All leave has been cancelled and we are making do as best we can’
‘We have survived another election campaign with no one promising to save or close us’
‘Could Alistair Darling make a more impressive dent in public borrowing if he didn’t have to shell out for boards?’
‘The crying was spot on. As you talked with humility about the demise of Mrs Smith, the tears that began rolling down your cheeks captured the emotion and sincerity of our apology perfectly’
If GPs would not stop referring patients to hospital, we had to get rid of both.
‘Imagine - under the Tories, we are going to have new NHS organisations called foundation trusts, a tariff payment process, a choose and book system, a quality and outcomes framework for paying GPs and a formula that channels NHS funds to poorer areas’
‘What’s important is that if you’re crap you own up and if you’re fabulous you live to fail another day’
‘There is no easy or predictable way of knowing how to please Labour and live to tell the tale’
‘Andrew Lansley on the other hand has a real problem. It’s the same one that Chris Smith and Frank Dobson had back in 1997. Like them, Andrew doesn’t have a health policy, because he is using his opponent’s one.’
‘Imagine if you are in your umpteenth meeting in a hospital or PCT or SHA somewhere, with a McKinseyite costing your directorate’s annual savings plan being taught the McKinsey way of saving the world. You are going to be feeling a little dubious about it all’
‘The NHS could immediately achieve much larger savings if the SHAs, Monitor and CQC stopped emitting the whole time… after all there is carbon in flatulence isn’t there?’
‘Just imagine, you’ll log in to check out the rash in your groin, and “Amazon recommends” will also tell you how other people rated their experience with rashes’
‘Between them they will have conspired to identify an incompetent who needs to be dispatched, and then utterly fail to put together a case, identify relevant evidence, or present it in a way that can land a caress, let alone a punch, on the miscreant’s credibility’
We are all still reeling from the shock news of Mark Britnell’s sudden departure for pastures more remunerative. Thankfully he has left us with a commissioning sector which no one else in the world can match… and oddly none has sought to do so.
The quest for FT status is all looking so promising, apart from all the things that could go wrong…
It can be hard to decide how to dress for a dress-down, informal bonding session with colleagues, as ours gamely proved.
‘System alignment is everyone agreeing with the DH that these are four bloody good principles’
‘We will all miss the traffic lights and star ratings, its mission to condemn and flagellate, and the valuable role it has fulfilled for the Department of Health in shutting stable doors after horses have bolted’
‘We concluded that we would need Stalin’s ruthlessness, Patton’s brilliance, Machiavelli’s cunning and Robert Maxwell’s sophistry’
‘As you know we have tried to look into the benefits of applying for AHSC status ourselves, but have been told that it’s all about being internationally competitive so even with our cohort of Filippino nurses we wouldn’t qualify’
‘We are faced with a glorious mix of councillors, some so young they’d obviously been selected for seats they hadn’t been expected to win and have had to be parked out of trouble until they are out of nappies’
‘Most of the trusts were flashing red with down arrows and the SHA had created what looked like a share price for each, all of them tanking’
‘Baldrick, please, when it’s just us, you can call me Minister’
To: Don Wise, chief executiveFrom: Paul Servant, assistant chief executiveRe: Manager in a manger
To: Don Wise, chief executiveFrom: Paul Servant, assistant chief executiveRe: Co-payment cunning
To: Don Wise, chief executiveDear Don, as you can imagine, GPs are very agitated at the moment.
I checked every envelope and couldn't find David Nicholson's personal Christmas card to you. But I did find the operating framework for the NHS in England 2008-09 in your e-mail.
I hadn't noticed personal shopper in my list of duties on my job description, but am happy to report that I have been able to get all the presents from you for the people on your list.
The strangest thing happened to me during my recent MRI scan. Some sort of power surge occurred and the magnets went berserk. I don't really understand the physics, but the upshot was that time folded and I slipped through a vortex in time and space to find myself in 2068.
World class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, commission de classe du monde, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning.
We are all terribly proud of the huge improvement we have achieved in the annual health check under your leadership. The fair and fair rating shows just how far we have come in five years. Surely the next stop is foundation trust status?
Whoever said the British had no stomach for public executions? Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells trust has demonstrated just how popular they can be.
It's that time of year again when we all have our excuses ready to explain away the annual healthcheck. The Healthcare Commission team are practising their best po faces by seeing who can best disguise any sign of pleasure while having a butt plug pushed to the max.
The Department of Health’s main drive is to get the nurses not to be so grotty, while on planet Monitor they are celebrating a multi-million-pound foundation trust surplus.
‘I know the director of nursing was impressed that you poked her’
‘The terror of arbitrary censure and pointless planning is taking its toll’
‘They’ve come up with a whizzo plan to keep Londoners happy. They are going to build lots more hospitals. At the moment they are calling them polyclinics, but that’ll change’
‘It must be what the Baghdad Green Zone is like, hermetically sealed and full of the commentariat issuing orders devoid of any sense of reality’
'The highlight will of course be Nigel and Gill doing the I'm More Important Than You foxtrot'
‘MRSA is discovered to have hidden properties which eliminate the H5N1 avian flu virus and patients now choose hospitals with high bacteraemia rates’
‘It’s difficult to know who to ingratiate yourself with, which policies might survive and which we should backpedal on.’
‘The ambulance would be at least an hour and that they should do what first aid they could until the paramedics arrived’
You will no doubt carry off your duties of quiz master with your usual aplomb, entertaining the audience with mock looks of surprise as you reveal the answers.
‘Four black Mercedes limousines with police outriders screeched to a halt outside trust HQ heralding the arrival of the McKashsky consultants’
‘Life carries on without GPs. In fact it’s a lot simpler’
'He is also an inspiration in separating bonuses from performance, exposing incompetent auditors who have overlooked some of his imaginative enterprises, and spending vast sums on management consultants.'
‘As for selection processes, we still can’t fathom them. It used to be so simple: either failed politicians found a way to boost their pension or successful ones got their wives out of the way a few days a month’.
‘We need to start stockpiling resources for a long fight now. We have started buying up poster sites and newspaper advertising space to deny it to the opposition.’
‘Pathology will be exported to Belgium, mental health will now fall under the council’s community support officers and treated with ASBOs.’
'This was the latest shipment of cyborgs destined for NHS Direct, which included a model that could put over a thousand calls on hold per minute.'
‘You are either in a lot of trouble or are just the sort of twisted mind we need’
‘A fight has broken out between a couple of balding, geeky, thin male strategy directors who are trying to stab each other with Montblanc pens’