Your Humble Servant

Your humble servant

Your Humble Servant: NHS Retro

‘Simon Stevens wants to take us back to 1991 before the purchaser provider split. Jim Mackey wants to go back two years to when he was a trust CEO.’

Your humble servant

Your Humble Servant: Health Act 2012 – A tearful adieu

It subsequently entered the end of life care pathway with a “do not resuscitate” notice’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Hunt to Hunt

‘Hi Jeremy, I’m calling you to offer you your old job back’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Five more years

Your Humble Servant on five more years

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: economics vs politics

“Hunt makes promises and demands to spend”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: For your own comfort and safety

“Be assured the body is designed for this eventuality”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Better Care Day

“He is obviously in a highly advanced state of delirium”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: His Way

And now, the end is near…

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Chuff huff huff

The DGH model is dead, which is rather unfortunate

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Yo ho hang

This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the minister…

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Cultural blasphemy

Finding cultural heaven in the NHS

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Arise Agrippa

“Mark Britnell was last seen seeking asylum at the US Embassy…”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Real life drama

“I could tell that a good cup of tea would save the situation.”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: smelly lasagne

“A flute blower came along and said there was a stench in the lasagne parlour.”

Your Humble Servant picture

Your Humble Servant: family knows best

“Everything is essential, dynamic and the answer, until it is replaced”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: heroic failure

“We both know that the only way Monitor will pass us is if we treat a lot fewer patients, with even fewer staff and minimal kit”

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: the Force is strong

The Death Star is bearing down on rebel trusts

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: the rallying cry for 2012

2012 is the year of the contract. Go back to your offices and prepare for contracting.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: healthy fun for all the NHS family

What will be this year’s Christmas stocking must have: Mid Staffs Cluedo, PFI Monopoly or Liberating the NHS Scrabble?

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: survival of the fittest in the NHS

Perhaps we should look back to Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution to see who’ll survive in the dog-eat-dog world of health policy.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: je t’aime NHS

Cameron’s courting of the NHS is more sickly than sweet.

Your Humble Servant

Your humble servant: can you hear me, Andrew Lansley?

From being everywhere to suddenly being nowhere, your humble servant goes in search of the health secretary.

Your Humble Servant

Your humble servant: Lansley live - for one month only

Time is running out to get a ticket to the Andrew Lansley show, where the only certainty is there are no certainties.

Your Humble Servant

Your humble servant: the spectre of Stalin looms over year end

It’s difficult to make end of financial year decisions when pain aligns so closely with pleasure.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: A twit tweets

Separating the tweet from the chafe around the blogosphere, a twit begins to tweet.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: health mogul

‘Family doctor to health mogul? It’s what my patients want for me’

Your Humble Servant

A Christmas Dorrell

Good King Dorrell did look out on the feast beneath him, With Andrew lay round about, deeply fried by Stephen…

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: home front

‘We’re invading your privacy at home, and turning it into the outpatient clinic’

Your Humble Servant

'La La is throwing his limited political capital into reshuffling bureaucracy'

It’s all getting rather confusing with La La Lansley. Is he the mild mannered janitor who turns in to Hong Kong Phooey, or is he just the janitor for Stephen Dorrell?

Your Humble Servant

'I am now chairing the Andrew Lansley Action Squad'

‘As you can imagine it’s a busy time with new directives coming thick and slow. The team members have become adept at scratching their heads, then armpits and finally groins as they try to work out how to operationalise the sophisticated actions that arise from the no top-down reorganisation reorganisation ...

Your Humble Servant

'Primary care trusts? Send in the marines'

So this is what it feels like. I’m managing along, minding my own business, when along comes Andrew D Lansley (Dudya to his mates), who liberates me.

Your Humble Servant

'La la Lansley has abolished the people who monitor us'

‘There is £80bn out there to be carved up between ourselves and the GPs. Well, surely that makes everyone a winner now?’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Going La La

‘Up pops La La at the Royal Marsden Hospital, in Parliament and on Newsnight saying he had no idea it would come to this’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Handy Andy

‘It’s been a few months now, and we’ve had no new strategy, plan or output. I can only assume you’ve been stocking up on additional inadequates so that you can get rid of them easily as cost savings to show off to the new ministers’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Coabolition

‘So what is the opposite of “top down”? Bottom up. And how do we tend to regard things that come out of bottoms?’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: NHS regime change

‘The Major Incident Plan has been implemented as the first effects of the new regime are felt. All leave has been cancelled and we are making do as best we can’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: electioneering

‘We have survived another election campaign with no one promising to save or close us’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: how can boards fail?

‘Could Alistair Darling make a more impressive dent in public borrowing if he didn’t have to shell out for boards?’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: lights, camera, casualty

‘The crying was spot on. As you talked with humility about the demise of Mrs Smith, the tears that began rolling down your cheeks captured the emotion and sincerity of our apology perfectly’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: weapons of self-destruction

If GPs would not stop referring patients to hospital, we had to get rid of both.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: manifest nonsense

‘Imagine - under the Tories, we are going to have new NHS organisations called foundation trusts, a tariff payment process, a choose and book system, a quality and outcomes framework for paying GPs and a formula that channels NHS funds to poorer areas’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: regulation...

‘What’s important is that if you’re crap you own up and if you’re fabulous you live to fail another day’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: election gamble

‘There is no easy or predictable way of knowing how to please Labour and live to tell the tale’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: Andy Burnsley

‘Andrew Lansley on the other hand has a real problem. It’s the same one that Chris Smith and Frank Dobson had back in 1997. Like them, Andrew doesn’t have a health policy, because he is using his opponent’s one.’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: McKinsey, McJected

‘Imagine if you are in your umpteenth meeting in a hospital or PCT or SHA somewhere, with a McKinseyite costing your directorate’s annual savings plan being taught the McKinsey way of saving the world. You are going to be feeling a little dubious about it all’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant: NHS carbon reduction

‘The NHS could immediately achieve much larger savings if the SHAs, Monitor and CQC stopped emitting the whole time… after all there is carbon in flatulence isn’t there?’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on the future of NHS technology

‘Just imagine, you’ll log in to check out the rash in your groin, and “Amazon recommends” will also tell you how other people rated their experience with rashes’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant attends an NHS disciplinary appeal hearing

‘Between them they will have conspired to identify an incompetent who needs to be dispatched, and then utterly fail to put together a case, identify relevant evidence, or present it in a way that can land a caress, let alone a punch, on the miscreant’s credibility’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on private lessons

We are all still reeling from the shock news of Mark Britnell’s sudden departure for pastures more remunerative. Thankfully he has left us with a commissioning sector which no one else in the world can match… and oddly none has sought to do so.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on the NHS reshuffle

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on some final foundation trust hurdles

The quest for FT status is all looking so promising, apart from all the things that could go wrong…

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on appropriate attire

It can be hard to decide how to dress for a dress-down, informal bonding session with colleagues, as ours gamely proved.

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant rides with the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

‘System alignment is everyone agreeing with the DH that these are four bloody good principles’

Your Humble Servant

Humble Servant bids the Healthcare Commission adieu

‘We will all miss the traffic lights and star ratings, its mission to condemn and flagellate, and the valuable role it has fulfilled for the Department of Health in shutting stable doors after horses have bolted’

Your Humble Servant

Your Humble Servant on management training

‘We concluded that we would need Stalin’s ruthlessness, Patton’s brilliance, Machiavelli’s cunning and Robert Maxwell’s sophistry’

Your Humble Servant on the hospitality challenge

‘As you know we have tried to look into the benefits of applying for AHSC status ourselves, but have been told that it’s all about being internationally competitive so even with our cohort of Filippino nurses we wouldn’t qualify’

Your Humble Servant on councillor counselling

‘We are faced with a glorious mix of councillors, some so young they’d obviously been selected for seats they hadn’t been expected to win and have had to be parked out of trouble until they are out of nappies’

Your Humble Servant: Guantanamo on Thames

‘Most of the trusts were flashing red with down arrows and the SHA had created what looked like a share price for each, all of them tanking’

Your Humble Servant on the NHS operating framework

‘Baldrick, please, when it’s just us, you can call me Minister’

Your Humble Servant: an NHS Christmas

To: Don Wise, chief executiveFrom: Paul Servant, assistant chief executiveRe: Manager in a manger

Your Humble Servant on NHS co-payments

To: Don Wise, chief executiveFrom: Paul Servant, assistant chief executiveRe: Co-payment cunning

Your Humble Servant: clinician questions

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on foundation trusts

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on party conferences

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on the NHS Constitution

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on Chinese whispers

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on testing GPs

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant in 1948

Dear Lord Donald of Wise

Your Humble Servant: Confed blues

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: leaving the NHS

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant at the FT

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant on Nicholson's blog

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: carry on nurses

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: the Fresh Approach to Cash Alternatives Team

To: Don Wise, chief executiveDear Don, as you can imagine, GPs are very agitated at the moment.

Your Humble Servant: democratic ravings

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: the operating framework

I checked every envelope and couldn't find David Nicholson's personal Christmas card to you. But I did find the operating framework for the NHS in England 2008-09 in your e-mail.

Your Humble Servant goes Christmas shopping

I hadn't noticed personal shopper in my list of duties on my job description, but am happy to report that I have been able to get all the presents from you for the people on your list.

Your Humble Servant: a glimpse of the future NHS

The strangest thing happened to me during my recent MRI scan. Some sort of power surge occurred and the magnets went berserk. I don't really understand the physics, but the upshot was that time folded and I slipped through a vortex in time and space to find myself in 2068.

Your Humble Servant: world class commissioning

World class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, commission de classe du monde, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning, world class commissioning.

Your Humble Servant on the annual health check ratings

We are all terribly proud of the huge improvement we have achieved in the annual health check under your leadership. The fair and fair rating shows just how far we have come in five years. Surely the next stop is foundation trust status?

Your Humble Servant: Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells

Whoever said the British had no stomach for public executions? Maidstone and Tunbridge Wells trust has demonstrated just how popular they can be.

Your Humble Servant: the dreaded healthcheck

It's that time of year again when we all have our excuses ready to explain away the annual healthcheck. The Healthcare Commission team are practising their best po faces by seeing who can best disguise any sign of pleasure while having a butt plug pushed to the max.

Your Humble Servant on nurses and news from planet Monitor

The Department of Health’s main drive is to get the nurses not to be so grotty, while on planet Monitor they are celebrating a multi-million-pound foundation trust surplus.

Your Humble Servant: do as I say

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: The Darzi Ultimatum

‘I know the director of nursing was impressed that you poked her’

Your Humble Servant: do as I say

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: domestic inspection

‘The terror of arbitrary censure and pointless planning is taking its toll’

Your Humble Servant: London SHA

‘They’ve come up with a whizzo plan to keep Londoners happy. They are going to build lots more hospitals. At the moment they are calling them polyclinics, but that’ll change’

Your Humble Servant: rave with Dave

‘It must be what the Baghdad Green Zone is like, hermetically sealed and full of the commentariat issuing orders devoid of any sense of reality’

Your Humble Servant: the Confed conference

'The highlight will of course be Nigel and Gill doing the I'm More Important Than You foxtrot'

Your Humble Servant: future imperfect

‘MRSA is discovered to have hidden properties which eliminate the H5N1 avian flu virus and patients now choose hospitals with high bacteraemia rates’

Your Humble Servant: dead man walking

‘It’s difficult to know who to ingratiate yourself with, which policies might survive and which we should backpedal on.’

Your Humble Servant: the NHS Regatta

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: musical chairs

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: home births

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: life on Mars

‘The ambulance would be at least an hour and that they should do what first aid they could until the paramedics arrived’

Your Humble Servant: quiz night conundrum

You will no doubt carry off your duties of quiz master with your usual aplomb, entertaining the audience with mock looks of surprise as you reveal the answers.

Your Humble Servant: disaster planning

‘Four black Mercedes limousines with police outriders screeched to a halt outside trust HQ heralding the arrival of the McKashsky consultants’

Your Humble Servant: the NHS marketplace

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: a primary care-bled NHS

‘Life carries on without GPs. In fact it’s a lot simpler’

Your Humble Servant: say hello to the new boss

'He is also an inspiration in separating bonuses from performance, exposing incompetent auditors who have overlooked some of his imaginative enterprises, and spending vast sums on management consultants.'

Your Humble Servant: the new SHA

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: Tory policy

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: non-executive joy

‘As for selection processes, we still can’t fathom them. It used to be so simple: either failed politicians found a way to boost their pension or successful ones got their wives out of the way a few days a month’.

Your Humble Servant: regime change

‘We need to start stockpiling resources for a long fight now. We have started buying up poster sites and newspaper advertising space to deny it to the opposition.’

Your Humble Servant: washing your hands of it

‘Pathology will be exported to Belgium, mental health will now fall under the council’s community support officers and treated with ASBOs.’

Your Humble Servant: back from Biarritz

To: Don Wise, chief executive

Your Humble Servant: Cyborgs on order

'This was the latest shipment of cyborgs destined for NHS Direct, which included a model that could put over a thousand calls on hold per minute.'

Your Humble Servant: Project Stepford

‘You are either in a lot of trouble or are just the sort of twisted mind we need’

Your Humble Servant: public health and wine receptions

‘A fight has broken out between a couple of balding, geeky, thin male strategy directors who are trying to stab each other with Montblanc pens’

Your Humble Servant: NHS carols

Published: 01/12/2005 Volume 115 No. 5984 Page

Your Humble Servant: day surgery inquiry

Published: 20/10/2005 Volume 115 No. 5978 Page 34

Your Humble Servant: patient choice

Published: 25/11/2004, Volume II4, No. 5933 Page