Your Humble Servant: For your own comfort and safety

To: Don Wise

From: Paul Servant

Re: Airline safety

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard at Cliff Edge Care NHS Trust. My name is Posh, your nurse stewardess, and on behalf of Captain Butcher we wish you an enjoyable pathway. Please pay attention to the following safety announcements after which my colleagues will pass through the ward to check your entitlement to free NHS services.

Please ensure that all your luggage is securely stored in the bedside lockers provided for you. If you arrived unexpectedly without luggage, essentials can be purchased from the Women’s Guild trolley on Tuesdays and Thursdays. They have a range of products to make your experience more comfortable, some dating back to 1973.

Please ensure you have clearly labelled all your possessions accurately, especially if you are having an amputation or kidney removal. It is essential you clearly indicate which limbs and organs you wish to retain as mistakes cannot be rectified after.  Please do not ask for change as refusal sometimes offends.

In the event of a sudden loss of blood pressure you will find Liverpool Care Pathway Forms descend from above. Do not be alarmed by the sound of angels singing, this will indicate that you have safely entered the final stage of your experience at no extra charge. Although we do not expect you to land on the floor, be assured the body is designed for this eventuality and is perfectly capable of remaining there for 30 minutes so that help may arrive.

There are no emergency exits, only admissions. In the event of an emergency admission, a discharge co-ordinator will quickly appear and guide you to the front door. Please be aware, that the moment you step outside the front door, Cliff Edge Council assumes all liabilities for your disintegrated care.

Your views are really important to us. If you have any comments about you journey, please keep them to yourself so they don’t get lost. We never forget that you don’t have a choice.