Julian Patterson

Julian Patterson's satirical column chronicles the absurdity of life in the NHS. It is sent to Daily Insight subscribers on Friday afternoon.

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How to speak manager


If you want to go far in NHS management, don’t make the mistake of confusing plain English words with plain English, writes Julian Patterson

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Amanda Pritchard’s diary: Passionate about priorities


This exclusive extract from the NHS chief executive’s diary is brought to you by the letter P (as told to Julian P)

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Top ICB boss defends his 'muscular leadership' style


NHS Blithering is rocked to its foundations as allegations of bullying emerge involving veteran leader Sir Trevor Longstay, writes Julian Patterson

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NHS Different is 'amazing'


In this blog, first published in the NHS England ICB Bulletin, the newly appointed head of NHS Different, Joy Hunter, traces the organisation’s history and sets out her overarching ambitions

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Dealing with troublesome 'facts': lessons from the covid inquiry


As one of the NHS’s pre-eminent communications professionals, Martin Plackard is often asked by colleagues how to deal with challenging and difficult situations. Here he considers what we can learn from the government’s handling of the covid inquiry

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The hidden threat posed by fake medics


Real doctors are up in arms as physician associates threaten to replace them on social media, reports Julian Patterson

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From conception to ridicule: the journey of an NHSE framework


It’s not enough to rely on common sense, sometimes we need NHS England to explain it to us. Julian Patterson has read the Staff Recognition Framework so you don’t have to

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Labour will throw everything but money at the NHS


The shadow health minister Wes Streeting sets out a bold vision of a reformed health service not run by a Conservative government. As told to Julian Patterson

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Marking your own homework and other stories


In the latest edition of the Blithering Informant, director of values-based stakeholder communications Martin Plackard brings you the latest news from the country’s most challenged integrated care board

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‘We saw him coming’ – US firms praise visionary doctor in big data project


The doctor responsible for a ground-breaking new software project claims it will transform patient care

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The sad inevitability of having to regulate useless managers


Sir Trevor Longstay regrets the passing of the old order but acknowledges the need for formal regulation of NHS managers – as long as a suitable leader can be found

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NHS to get ‘tough on winter’


The government is determined to crack down on the cost of winter to the NHS. Tougher regulation of cold weather could be the answer, reports Julian Patterson

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‘It was as if we didn’t exist’ – shoe family’s harrowing tale


Underfunding and negligence may have been contributory factors as single mother loses family home, reports Julian Patterson

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Something must be done! Please tell us what


Determined to show that something must be done in the wake of recent high profile care scandals, NHS England has written a strongly typed letter. Julian Patterson has sneaked a copy from the Wellington House photocopier.

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He did it! How Steve Barclay pulled off Health Week


The health secretary bravely battled cancer targets during a triumphant week-long celebration of everything that’s great about Westminster, writes Julian Patterson

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'Completely hopeless' ICB reveals radical 'levelling down' strategy


Embattled health system sets up radical new committees with far-reaching remit to help it find its feet. Exclusive interview with Sir Trevor Longstay by Julian Patterson

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'We are very sorry' says ICB without a plan


A leading integrated care board has issued a statement explaining how its ‘forward plan’ fell behind and how it intends to aim to make up lost ground. By Martin Plackard (as told to Julian Patterson)

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Nobody expects the system inspector


If you admire the Care Quality Commission for its work with NHS provider organisations, prepare to be blown away by its plans for integrated care systems. By CQC interloper Julian Patterson

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Top leader vows to increase NHS body count


The health service no longer leads the world in the creation of useless organisations. Sir Trevor Longstay is determined to halt the decline. By Julian Patterson

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Mobilising the goalposts for a better NHS


The NHS Blithering ICB is learning to live with complexity, ambiguity and an unconscious top team as it goes on a journey to meaningful change. By Julian Patterson

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A masterclass in turning embarrassment into celebration


The NHS has finally produced its ‘first ever’ workforce plan. What ought to be a cause for embarrassment is a source of immense pride. By Julian Patterson

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Hello Glastonbury! Sir David’s Spinal Tap moment


He invaded the Pyramid Stage to make the NHS’s 75th birthday celebrations even more special. What a pity no one knew who he was, writes Julian Patterson

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The covid inquiry: Surely we’ve suffered enough


Don’t imagine the covid inquiry will mean anyone being ‘held to account’, writes Julian Patterson.

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A festival of networking and extra-marital sex: it's ConfedExpo time again!


Summer is traditionally a time for travelling to Manchester to make an exhibition of ourselves. Conference report by Julian Patterson

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Celebrate the NHS's big birthday! (or get a new job)


We’re only a month away from the 75 anniversary of the country’s favourite health service. In the run-up to the celebrations, Julian Patterson answers readers’ birthday-related questions

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Pointless exercise will be ‘most thorough ever’


A body set up to find out what arm’s-length bodies do could have sweeping powers to change their branding and influence their slide decks, reports Julian Patterson

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Vegan goujons: a dangerous precedent for NHS policy making


When there’s important work to be done, the top team at NHS Blithering don’t waste time getting down to business. By Julian Patterson

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Exclusive: ICB leader declares 'I will not resign'


The NHS has been rocked to its foundations by news that a prominent integrated care system boss has no plans to resign, writes Julian Patterson

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Lack of talent no bar to a successful NHS career


Sir Trevor Longstay has been doing his bit to inspire the next generation of leaders. Julian Patterson reports from Sir Trevor’s alma mater

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How a naked Chris Ham inspired my conversion to PHM


Dr David Rummage, emeritus professor of digital healthcare and metaverse studies at the University of Blithering, argues that we ignore population health management systems at our peril. Interview by Julian Patterson

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Wanted: national director of debacles


There’s never been a better time to look for a new job – just ask junior doctors. We’ve scoured the recruitment pages for a selection of the best openings for senior NHS management talent. Julian Patterson presents his top picks

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Freedom for the compliant


More recommendations, more key takeaways, more pages. The Longstay Report is bigger and even more explosive than the Fuller Stocktake and the Hewitt Review. The report’s author Sir Trevor Longstay shares its hard-hitting conclusions with Julian Patterson

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From firebrand to fire extinguisher


How was Chris Hopson turned? What happened in the basement? Did junior doctors cause covid? Julian Patterson has the answers

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How why matters


The leadership team at NHS Blithering is never far behind NHS England when it comes to management tools. Julian Patterson has the latest from the world of transformation

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NHS staff told to comply with new ‘Lineker laws’


Medics and managers unite against proposed rules that could stop them looking clever, compassionate and fabulous on social media. Julian Patterson reports

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'You utter bastard, Rummage!'


The country’s most challenged integrated care system has been told to restructure. The board remains as committed as ever to protecting the most vulnerable – themselves. Julian Patterson has the details

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Revealed: The science behind NHSE's new sentient care model


An ambitious new project challenges the belief that partnerships depend on chemistry. It’s all about physics, explains Julian Patterson

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How to write the perfect ICS strategy


To lose one strategy is unfortunate, to lose seven looks like carelessness. Julian Patterson reports

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How to turn the whining into winning


Former estate agent Darren Graft was dubbed the thickest ever winner of The Apprentice. After six weeks working as Lord Sugar’s business partner, Darren reinvented himself on Instagram as Britain’s leading Gen Z business influencer. Here he offers advice to NHS’s debt-ridden hospital trusts. As told to Julian Patterson.

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Say 'hello' to Completely Blithering ICB


As the daily struggle for survival continues, it’s time to reset our strategic priorities – starting with the logo. Julian Patterson reports from the front line