Dear Don

‘Bullies who threaten NHS staff will be shown the red card’ press release from the DoH finally confirms what we have suspected since February.

Highly confidential memo

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Grand Theft NHS

Dear Don

‘Bullies who threaten NHS staff will be shown the red card’ press release from the DoH finally confirms what we have suspected since February. It explains what we have seen over the past few months, with swift dispatching of senior figures from the DoH down.

It is sometimes difficult to see how all the sophisticated and subtle lines of policy join up. But I think it is clear that red card policy, dozens of unemployed primary care trust and strategic health authority chief executives, Monitor’s surprise that PCTs don’t pay up for all their patients’ hospital treatment and the announcement that a culture of respect will be encouraged in the NHS are clearly all part of the same agenda.

The Carruthers/Hewitt double act at the Confederation conference was a bit like an episode of Crimewatch:

‘We now turn to an audacious crime involving the theft of over£1bn which has left hundreds of people without hope and has led to the biggest manhunt the public sector has ever seen.

‘We are joined by the man leading the investigation from PriceywatersdownCoppers’ specialist grey nerd division. Mr Nerd, what can you tell us about this daring crime so far’?

‘Well Ian and Patricia, I am pleased to report that we are recovering some of the cash which curiously the thieves seem to have hidden in some of the hospitals they stole from, possibly to come back to when the heat died down. This was a clever crime which took place right under the noses of the strategic forces we have guarding these places.?

‘Do you have a description of the thieves, any evidence or witnesses’?

‘We are quite excited by an anonymous call we received from a gentleman recently arrived in Africa. He has given us a good description of a bald, Scottish man who is not as young, competent or charming as he thinks he is and can usually be found reading a copy of the News of the World. Civil servants are advised not to approach this man if he is spotted as he is ruthless.’