‘The NHS could immediately achieve much larger savings if the SHAs, Monitor and CQC stopped emitting the whole time… after all there is carbon in flatulence isn’t there?’

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

RE: Car, Bonne?

Bit of a catch-up this week now you are back from your recessionista holiday at the luxury, carbon neutral Greendales Executive Yurt retreat nestling in beautiful grounds, recently landscaped by the manmade lake. The organic bedding, reclaimed water toilets feeding into reed beds and the turnip-burning stove must have provided you with the serenity and foresight that once again puts you ahead of the pack in meeting the new NHS emissions target. However, until Aston Martin create an electric DB9 it might be a while before you can fully sign up to the pledge.

Of course the NHS could immediately achieve much larger savings if the SHAs, Monitor and CQC stopped emitting the whole time… after all there is carbon in flatulence isn’t there?

You missed the entertaining spat between the Patients Association and the Royal College of Nursing on who the British public should continue to give their undying affection to. The PA has developed a view that has shaken the RCN to the core: nurses do not acquire divinity either through registration or a degree but do generate saintliness the closer they are to a patient’s bottom.

Then there was the news that prisoners are better fed than patients. We felt this was slightly misleading as the report also said prisoners’ nutrition is better than that of the population “at large”, not a phrase most prison governors like. I did feel we missed a trick in pointing out that NHS length of stay is much better though.

And last, Tory health policy. “We really, really, love the NHS… no seriously,” doesn’t seem to be supported by the party itself. If they don’t believe it, why should anyone else?