The perfect Christmas gifts for NHS managers

Lego Broken NHS

Tired of the same old construction toys? This Christmas, keep them busy for years with Lego’s most ambitious set ever. The Lego Broken NHS comes as a large pile of used parts that haven’t been updated for decades and don’t fit together. Your task is to turn them into a working model of a modern health system before the whole things falls over.

Price: £176.9bn. Instructions sold separately.

Streeting SpeediGrill

In charge of health policy, but don’t want to spend hours slaving over a hot stove?

Say goodbye to bland, stodgy fare with this revolutionary kitchen aid. Powered entirely by hot air, the Streeting all-in-one SpeediGrill™ produces healthy, satisfying soundbites in minutes.

No need for fresh ingredients. Just turn the Streeting up to full, throw in whatever you have lying around and enjoy the authentic taste of health policy in less time than it takes to knock out a press release. Great for reheating old chestnuts and leftovers from previous administrations.

Comes with quick and easy recipe ideas from celebrity chef Aga Darzi.

A bargain at just £160,000.

Director of Finance Magic Set

Delight your friends and astonish your non-executive directors as you show off your skills as a magician. This box of tricks comes with everything you need to make deficits vanish before their very eyes, including loaded dice, marked cards and realistic-looking assumptions.

Watch their gullible faces light up as you produce financial balance out of thin air. Impress them with your sleight of hand as you move coins from capital to revenue budgets without anyone seeing how you did it. Keep them guessing which cup the money is under. They saw you put it there, but now it’s gone. Magic!

By the time they work it out – hey presto! – you’ll have updated your CV and made yourself disappear.

Price: Whatever Julian says it is.

Reclining NHS Chair

Leaders, put your feet up this festive season and all year round with a super-comfy, swivelling NHS chair. The Recliner is fully adjustable to your needs, with patented self-preservation technology that allows it to adapt to any situation. Advanced posture controls allow you to occupy several positions at once – perfect for group models, managing tricky relationships and presiding over long, boring meetings.

Select the “hard” setting if your preferred style is old school, top down or leading from the front. Fancy a more contemporary leadership experience? Simply dial up the “sleep” mode and take it easy. Either way, you’ll enjoy the ultimate in comfort. Let’s face it, you’ve earned it.

Starts at around £50,000 a year for the basic model offering built-in posterior protection and a self-adjusting lumbar support system for those challenging “Where’s my backbone?” moments.

Price on application for the top-of-the-range model with blame-retardant faux leather upholstery and powerful twin electric motors for a quick getaway.

All models compatible with the NHS Revolving Door automated entry and exit system. Available colours: beige.

Guaranteed to stay cushy for at least 30 years.

NHS England VSM Action Figure

Authentic senior leadership role model figurine. Lifelike features include determined expression and tiny gripping hands. Marvel at the attention to even the smallest, most unimportant detail.

You won’t see these advertised anywhere else. Several thousand to collect – get yours while stocks last. Batteries not included.

Social Care Luxury Christmas Box

The good old days are back with this traditional Christmas gift box thoughtfully curated by the skilled artisans of the Department of Health and Social Care. Relive the charming world before sanitation and electricity with this delightful collection, which includes tallow candle, farthing, small bundle of kindling, thimble, packet of instant gruel and personalised shawl for the workhouse. Close your eyes and you could be in the London of Charles Dickens.

Merry Christmas to one and all!