I hadn't noticed personal shopper in my list of duties on my job description, but am happy to report that I have been able to get all the presents from you for the people on your list.

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Christmas shopping

Dear Don

I hadn't noticed personal shopper in my list of duties on my job description, but am happy to report that I have been able to get all the presents from you for the people on your list. Details below:

Alan Johnson - The Beginner's Guide to Employment Law, or How to Compromise a Compromise Agreement

David Nicholson - Scaffolding for the Department of Health with a big sign outside saying 'under reconstruction'.

Mark Britnell - A speaking toy Buzz Lightyear, which repeats its catchphrase 'To infinity and beyond' when you press his bottom.

Ara Darzi - Wings, so that he can fly over water rather than walk on it.

Anna Walker - a 'you're crap' rubber stamp, as it must get tiring writing it so many times a week.

Bill Moyes - Vidal Sassoon vouchers.

Gill Morgan - Dinner with Nigel Edwards.

The chair - An enema for a start and we'll see if there's any improvement.

The PCT chief executive - MiP membership, she'll need it soon.

Richard Vize (HSJ editor) - Conrad Black's biography, for lessons on being less humble.

The chair of the PPI forum - Deodorant and toothpaste.

The chair of the overview and scrutiny committee - A horse's head at the end of the bed.

The local MP - Imodium, presumably works for oral diarrhoea too.

And lastly my gift to you, Don. An enchanted mirror to which you need only ask 'who is the fairest of them all?' to receive an appropriate response.