An email exchange that is fiction, but painfully close to the truth…

Dear all, I thought you might be interested in this recent email sent to all managers. Will send you the some sample questions from the matrix when they are posted online:

Hi guys
As you know HR has been outsourced to a US-based company and it’s mission critical that we harmonise going forward. CEOs are looking for some quick wins by asking HR to identify those staff who are disengaged, challenge adverse and need incentivising.

HR have developed a matrix to identify these negative ninjas. All managers are required to complete this matrix online. This is not a test that individuals pass or fail, there are no right or wrong answers. Once we have the outcome of these tests we will start incentivising the disengaged as part of harmonising into the future.

The next stage of this harmonisation process will be to identify staff with incompatible or disharmonising attitudes. The senior management team thinks the planned restructuring is an opportunity for managers to redirect the careers of those who are challenge adverse. The subsequent reduction in the headcount is considered a quick win.

CEOs have a ballpark figure in mind, achieving this will mean managers have to step up to the plate. Or as I believe you soccer fans say “be a fox in the box”.

Senior vice corporate director of messaging and harmonisation

Hi again, I’ve just seen some draft questions senior managers have been asked to comment on:

Do you have any professional objections to working with the private sector?
Do you agree with the statement the customer is always right?
When reporting back to your team do you say “we have decided” or “the senior management team have decided”?
Do you believe that greater efficiency can be achieved?
Which is more important voicing your personal concerns or the reputation of the organisation?
How would you expect staff to demonstrate loyalty?