Running a hospital? Meat and drink. Organising the annual staff Halloween meets bonfire night?  Don’t even go there.  

First things first: who the hell decided to ask the advice of the fun police? And are they surprised the risk officer prescribed that we could light one sparkler each on condition we all wore gloves and stood at least 10 metres apart from each other, but no more than one metre from a bucket of water?  Or the fire officer gave his blessing to this assessment with the caveat that the sparkler should be removed?

And second: who briefed the board that dressing up was compulsory but they could put the costs of costumes on expenses? Much as I like the thought of Bunty Fotherington dressed up as a pumpkin (£49.99) and Sir Seymour prancing as Jack Sparrow (£54.99), this one might make even Tony McNulty think twice. 

And third: whose decision was it to dress Guy Fawkes up as Andy Burnham in a nurse’s uniform? Whoever it was lacks awareness of the sense of humour vacuum that is Whitehall and the bottomless pit of mischief that is the Daily Bugle  (though credit where it is due for the “Burnham quits smoking” headline on the 6th).

And fourth and finally:  whoopee do, what a beezer of a night. The highlight was the accident and emergency crew dressed up as the full cast of Pirates of the Caribbean getting their rocks off to Hospital Radio. Although if it kills me we will end at least one event on my watch with something - anything - other than Hi Ho Silver Lining. And a no holds barred firework display craftily subbed out to a newly formed pyrotechnics company, somewhat mysteriously staffed exclusively by off duty hospital porters. And Bunty et al all back in line on account of a coincidental freedom of information request from an anonymous email address called fiddlingyourexpenses.com.  Wonder who sent that?  

Now, about the Christmas pantomime and the planned pastiche of a meeting with the council of governors…