An acute trust chief executive, “Cally Bann”, casts a jaundiced eye over the swine flu outbreak…

I’m afraid to say that things here have all gone a bit Pete Tong, or Por Cine to be precise, as it looks like the first few cases of swine fever may have arrived in A&E.

I say “may”, as it seems like anyone with a runny nose or who’s eaten an enchilada within the past fortnight is beating a path to our door in search of two weeks’ rest and recuperation in the intensive care unit. So the 98 per cent A&E target is taking its usual April pounding, but minors’ income is going through the roof.

The staff are all hopping around like a Chihuahua on a hot tin barrio roof, fighting over face masks and begging for flu jabs. Admittedly, the director of operations haranguing them about the fact that the uptake in this year’s eye-wateringly expensive flu jab campaign came in at a record-breaking 19 per cent was not as empowering as it might have been, but you can’t really blame her.

Anyway, we managed to buy back a few leftover jabs we had returned to the drug company - for a 500 per cent mark-up; it’s nice to see someone doing well out of all this.

The source of the first few admissions is a bit embarrassing, as they resulted from the non-executive directors’ fact-finding trip to the Cancun polyclinic.

The visit was funded from last year’s surplus and a little dip into the charitable fund legacy left by old Gruntie Taylor after he bought the farm in that unfortunate incident during last year’s charity tug-of-war. No doubt The Bugle is bound to rake the whole thing up again with a “snouts in the trough” (ahem) angle thrown in for good measure.