September: everyone’s favourite board. Papers the weight of a Nigella compendium but without the taste, tease or titillation. Unless you get your rocks off on the compliance return, the assurance framework, the risk register or the update on the implementation of the HR strategy 2007-11.

Of course, most people have been on holiday, at best going incommunicado for a few weeks or at worst buggering things up by checking their emails by crackberry every day then deleting them at random. Except for the non-executive directors, who appear to have spent August flicking through HSJ and - heavens preserve us - actually reading the features.

Which is the only explanation for the 15-minute rant on the need to update the HR strategy to deal with the issue of psychopathic managers. This matter also needs to feature in the assurance framework and be added to the risk register - with a top rating of 25, given that there could be at least two on the loose and they will inevitably wreak havoc. At least until we mitigate the risk. Which we need to do by the next board meeting. If not sooner.

It might also account for the unanticipated hoo-ha about staff sickness, which we are now charged with reducing to 0 per cent, with a similar target suggested for the pay rises for the next three years (let’s flex those foundation trust muscles). Which the (ill) informed have told us can be achieved by strong arming nurses into accepting a moral responsibility to have a swine flu jab and by getting all staff to stop smoking and drinking and sign up to a fitness plan. And ride a bike. Which we should factor into a revamped carbon reduction strategy that will save the world and take at least 10 per cent off the cost base. By the next board meeting. If not sooner.

Roll on October. In fact roll on November. In fact, remind me - how many days till Christmas?

Note to self: cancel HSJ subscription, spam out the web-feed and bluecoat out the website next August, the August after that, and the August after that…