Spring is sprung, the grass is riz, I wonder where the birdies is… all learning how to ski and snowboard if our emergency department activity is anything to go by. Throw in the removal of the winter covers from the back-garden trampolines and collective amnesia about putting the safety netting back up and it’s hardly surprising the 98 per cent target took a pounding last week.

Which of course heralds the starting gun for the SHAs’ own Winter Olympic Cover Your Back Executive Director Pentathlon.

Event one: Filling in a form saying what you would be doing to sort the problem out if you weren’t spending the time filling in this form. The world record holder is currently at risk of disqualification for allegedly sending in last week’s form.

Event two: Getting form signed off by hospital chief executive who is on holiday learning to snowboard and primary care trust chief executive who is in a meeting on world class commissioning. Historically hard to compare performance due to advent of the electronic signature at turn of the century.

Event three: Sending form electronically to SHA with return-receipt function. World record for SHA not opening email containing urgent information held by East of England whole systems emergency care planning co-ordinating assistant director (acting). Bonus points awarded for the out of office reply saying he’d nipped out for a smoke.

Event four: Best excuse for not hitting weekly target. Most frequently nominated in reverse order: mental health trust not pulling its weight; increased acuity (perennial winner of best excuse across all events); and anything to do with social services.

Event five: Best use of walk-in centre data to transform performance. Lifetime Achievement Award is John O’Groats Hospital for its link-up with Land’s End walk-in centre during the bleak winter of 2006.

Oh, and the special event: Most solace sought in après-ski glühwein. And the winner is…