So they’ve debated, they’ve negotiated, they’ve coalesced and they’ve agreed.
The new overarching committee will be called the Volunteers and Friends, the more alphabetically and phonetically appropriate Friends and Volunteers falling foul of the simple fact the electorate consisted of 279 Volunteers and 173 Friends. Bunty Fotherington’s tirade that the Friends would have won were it not for the increasingly discredited first past the post system did suffer a little from the fact that the electorate were only given a choice of two names.
It was a somewhat inevitable shortlist once the Together We Are Together proposal fell foul of the tautology and acronym police: if Mr Cameron can say it on the radio, then I can say it here.
To sweeten the pill, the Friends get first dibs at chair and will also appoint the treasurer and the social secretary. The volunteers get the key position of quartermaster, with control of ward trolleys and the running of both shops.
All offices are held for a fixed period of five years, with any change requiring the support of 55 per cent of the electorate. Except in the case of the Volunteers, where it requires the support of 60 per cent of office holders, 75 per cent of their sub-electorate, and the personal endorsement of Sir Barnaby Forbes as he can be a right so-and-so if he doesn’t get his way.
The inquiry into voting irregularities will be overseen by the company secretary and will address: (i) why there was a 107 per cent turnout despite the fact that 25 per cent of the people on the electoral roll were subsequently discovered to have died; (ii) whether there is any foundation to the allegation of eve-of-election fudge doping; and (iii) exactly how many people were denied the right to vote due the lengthy queue for the lavatories following the burst water pipe on D Block.
Now, having come up for air, can someone fill me in on what happened in the general election…