From being everywhere to suddenly being nowhere, your humble servant goes in search of the health secretary.

  • To: Don Wise
  • From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive
  • Re: Is anybody home?

Andrewwwwwww… Mr Lansley? Mr Lansley? Hello? Mr Lansley? Mr Lansley? Cooeee!! Hello? Mr Lansley? Andrew? Andrew? Hello? Can you hear me? Andrew? Mr LANSLEY? ANDREW? HELLO? MR LANSLEY? Andrew? LA LA? Mr Lansley? Over here. Can you hear me? I’ll switch to a landline.

Mr Lansley? Secretary of state? Mr Lansley? Mr Listening? Hello? HELLO? Oi! Listen to me. Oi!  Bonjour? Bonsoir? Hiya? Over here! No here! I’ve got something for you to listen to. Mr Lansley? Mr Lansley? Pause over here, please.

Mr Lansley? Andrew? Andy? Andi? And? Handy? Reflect this way? Guten Tag? ACHTUNG! Boo! YaBoo! Oi! La La? Please? This way. In front of you? Surprise Surprise! Vince Cable’s behind you. Minister? Hello? Hello handsome? Hello Big boy? Is that a pause, listen and reflect exercise in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Ciao bello. Andrew? Shalom? Salaam? Peace bros? Hey? Whoa? Aloha! ANDREW LANSLEY CAN YOU HEAR ME? Yoohoo. Oggy oggy oggy! Nanu nanu?

Pause? Listen. Reflect. LA LA! Andrew? Mr Lansley? Secretary of state? Can you hear me? Hello? Oh La La. Andrewwww! Yo! Watcha!

Hola! What do we want? Andrew Lansley! When do we want him? Now! Big smile! Big Hugs. Kisses. Andrew. ANDREW! Funny handshake? Mate. Listen, mate. My old mucker. How do you do? I just called to say I love you. Shall I write? phone? Fax? Email? Text? Tweet? Twitch? Flash? Moon? Shout? Scream? Yell? Gesticulate? Wave? Flagellate? Pray? Worship? Can you hear me?

Are you listening?