‘MRSA is discovered to have hidden properties which eliminate the H5N1 avian flu virus and patients now choose hospitals with high bacteraemia rates’

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Future imperfect

Dear Don

The British Medical Association chair resigns for not whingeing enough and the NHS makes half a billion pounds profit. I thought I’d lost my senses until a report on how useless out-of-hours GPs are reminded me that I was on planet Earth.

Of course, what that report failed to point out is that if the poor patient had rung her GP during the day it wouldn’t have made much difference.

Anyone would be a fool these days to bet on normality. So I thought I would have a stab at some unlikely predictions based on current trends.

  • Beverley Malone’s autobiography, Where Am I?, tops the non-fiction book charts.
  • Patricia Hewitt’s autobiography, Oh, What a Beautiful Morning!, tops the fiction charts.
  • The NHS Confederation decides to represent commissioners only and merge with the BMA, as doctors have made such a success of practice-based commissioning.
  • Non-foundation NHS providers turfed out of the NHS Confederation join Unison, now the only organisation that cares what happens to them.
  • Foundation trusts merge until there is only one, which rebrands itself the National Health Service.
  • David Nicholson wins Big Brother with his charm and charisma, but is later forced into hiding after two contestants’ bodies are discovered under the patio.
  • MRSA is discovered to have hidden properties which eliminate the H5N1 avian flu virus and patients now choose hospitals with high bacteraemia rates.
  • The Healthcare Commission launches a major investigation into its backside and promptly disappears into it.
  • The Royal College of Nursing is destroyed by a meteorite but no-one notices for 10 years.
  • Richard Granger sends a Morse code signal by semaphore from the top of UCLH to the top of Guy’s Hospital and a new reliable NHS communications system is launched.
  • A reality TV show sponsored by NHS Direct is launched. It is called Where’s the Patient? Get Him Out of Here.