To Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: In my back yard

Dear Don

It was healthcare market day in the high street yesterday so I decided to pop down and see if there were any bargains to be had.

As I arrived, there was Hamish Meldrum on the GP stall.

Hamish was looking rather pleased that he had no stock available at the moment - as you know it specialises in antiquities.

He explained that he was expecting a couple of rare, fragile and expensive pieces later in the day, but that he couldn’t keep them on display for long as they react badly to moonlight and need to be well packaged away long before nightfall.

Happily the next stall, from NHS Direct, was doing a roaring trade.

They had pick-your-own and lucky dip sections, which were very popular. Their three-for-two offers on accident and emergency referrals were also being snapped up very quickly.

Opposite them Gordon Brown had a temporary stall. He didn’t have any stock either, but was previewing a new model GP. Cheaper, more flexible, and younger, they could be dropped and broken because they were easily replaceable.

Lots of people were trying out the replica models that Gordon was showing off and murmuring appreciatively, but unfortunately he wasn’t sure when the stock would be arriving.

Next door, David Cameron was doing a roaring trade in district general hospitals.

In fact his stall was a bit of a pot pourri. Anything you wanted, he could get it. In fact the back of his van was bursting with things falling off it.

Lots of IMBYs (In My Back Yard) types were snapping up his flatpack DGH packages to build at home.

I have to say he didn’t look like a normal trader, what with his butler standing by and a manicurist waiting for a break to tend to his cuticles.

Sadly, as I was leaving trading standards officers had swooped on his stall as a customer had complained that when she got home and opened up her package she found it was full of bullshit.