Time is running out to get a ticket to the Andrew Lansley show, where the only certainty is there are no certainties.

  • To: Don Wise
  • From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive
  • Re: Lansley Live – for one month only

Dear Don,

I am very frustrated. The biggest show of the decade and I simply can’t find a ticket anywhere. I cannot believe that Andrew Lansley On Tour – Dead and Unplugged, has sold out.

I have also been having trouble finding out what is in the show, who the stars are, and whether or not it is appropriate viewing for minors. Either way I cannot remember the last time that the NHS was on stage. I have even heard that there might be some sort of audience participation.

But I do worry that in a Kim Il Nicholson world it will just be one of those overblown choreographed affairs where we all get fired if we don’t applaud.

All these live tours can be very tiring on the performers - I hear that La La has got himself a couple of chaps called Clegg and Cameron acting as prompters, to help him out if he forgets the lines, as well as an understudy or two waiting to take his place if he flops.

There’s already talk of turning this into a festival and the hunt is on for a name. Some are already calling it LaLastock, others Laughingstock, but I think Woodstock remains apt.

A mark of its popularity, though, is the fringe scene that has emerged. The Future Forum, the new Bananarama of the NHS, will be playing their classic It Ain’t What You Do It’s The Way That You Do It and two new groups will be debuting – The Tick Box and PR Exercise.

It should all be very jolly.

I am also looking forward to getting my hands on some top quality merchandising. High on my list is the Cameron suppository that gives you a jolt and a tear in the eye whenever you say “I love the NHS”, and who can do without the Andrew Lansley earplugs designed to look like ears?