‘Just imagine, you’ll log in to check out the rash in your groin, and “Amazon recommends” will also tell you how other people rated their experience with rashes’

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

RE: The Tory Matrix

I’ve been working to anticipate where some of the Tories’ policy initiatives might take us. Their proposals for replacing the national IT programme with an online medical record has got us thinking. Whilst we contemplate how to make this service useable by neonates, inebriates and the pleasantly confused, we are attracted by the idea of using Twitter for internal management purposes. A board paper or contract in 140 characters would certainly be efficient, and provide clarity, and the DH and SHAs might actually find their missives are at least read then.

We think Amazon could be terribly helpful and easily replace NHS Direct. Just imagine, you’ll log in to check out the rash in your groin, and “Amazon recommends” will also tell you how other people rated their experience with rashes, and other conditions they also enquired about.

You would also be able to download music matched to your condition and order suitable reading material to take your mind off the itch. Then links to third party suppliers could also provide significant enhancement to the patient experience and income generation to us.

We would have a clickthrough fee income and a percentage of sales - in this case from the Ann Summers site.

eBay could easily replace PFI and be so much simpler and above board. A transparent, clear auction process to both sell the contract and also flog off the land that will pay for it. And Facebook could easily replace NHSJobs - well we use it already for vetting anyway, but we simply post a job on the site and everyone becomes a friend of it.

Once everyone gets used to an online NHS, we then simply close down the offline one. No need for hospitals, surgeries or clinics. Just dispensing warehouses, ambulances turned into delivery vans, and hearses.