To: Don Wise, chief executive

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: A little bit of what you fancy

Dear Don

We are ready to enter the marketplace. Weive been in Soho supping cappuccino by day and snowballs by night with our advertising agency. Weive spent time with the pointy-shoed and sideburned business intelligence people in the city. And we nicked a few Valium from A&E after trawling through the DoH guidance on logos and advertising.

We now have a new marketing strategy based on the identification of a large market segment completely ignored by the NHS.

We have always worked on the assumption that it was our mission to heal the hurt and unhealthy and help them improve their lifestyles and mitigate ill health. But we have completely failed to satisfy the choice and needs of the wilfully unhealthy who simply want patching up before returning to their carcinogenic, artery-furring ways.

Who are we to judge the reason a person needs our services? If we want their business we should be sympathetic, empathetic and pathetically grateful.

Our unique approach is to offer a home away from home service. Why shouldnit smokers enjoy a nice post-operative fag in bed? Why canit a drinker settle their nerves with a couple of pints and a Bacardi before transplant? What better way to start the day than a huge fry up? If a couple of lines of coke work better than NICE-approved pain relief, why not let the patients bring their own drugs?

We will rename wards five and six Benson and Hedges, the smoking wards. Guido, from the truckersi caf頨as agreed to take over catering with his full-fat, deep-fried, all-day breakfast. And every hour will now be happy hour on the renal unit, where optics have been fitted to the dialysis machines.

Weill save on dieticians and pain relief (local dealers are offering us a 15 per cent profit share) and generate income from British American Tobacco, which has offered to sponsor all patient literature. Lastly, we should generate very good customer loyalty with guaranteed follow-up business.