To: Don Wise, chief executive

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Maggie, Maggie, Maggie! Out, out, out!

Dear Don,

Following my recent head injury, I think I may still be slipping into hallucinatory moments. Did I really see David Cameron addressing a cheering march of those poor little junior doctors, now earning twice as much and working half the hours they did when the Tories last ran the show?

Did he then really make the NHS the centrepiece of the Tory spring conference without having any health policy? If I recall, Tory NHS policy over the last decade has gone like this:

  • the ‘let’s flog it’ policy - Maggie, ejected by her party;
  • the ‘tax-exempt private healthcare’ policy - John Edwina Major, rejected by the people;
  • the ‘let’s insure it’ policy - William ‘16 pints, Jeffery Archer for mayor’ Hague, rejected by the people;
  • the ‘vouchers’ policy - IDS (irritable dimwit syndrome), ejected by his party;
  • the ‘health passports’ policy - Michael ‘something of the night’ Howard, rejected by the people;
  • the ‘you are all fabulous’ policy - David ‘I don’t want to talk about whether I spanked the monkey, chased the dragon or stroked a hoodie’ Cameron.

So in place of a policy they have a Public Service Challenge, which has found that targets are evil (yippee!) and will be abolished (hooray!) and replaced by outcomes, ie: green, cuddly, Etonian targets. This is obviously what the children demonstrating last week want. As these baby doctors are too young to remember 18 years of Tory NHS misery, perhaps the following might be educational.

People waited for days in A&E, people waited for years for operations. People died waiting. Junior doctors were paid less the longer they worked. Nurses fled abroad for better pay. People died for lack of access to basic care.

Anyway, that’s all history. Nothing to do with today’s Tory party. But lo, what doth mine eyes fall upon? The man in charge of today’s modern, new, fresh, different, Tory health policy review is Stephen Dorrell. Now why does that name ring a bell?