This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the minister…

To: Don Wise

From: Paul Servant

Re: Yo Ho Hang

The following recording has come in to my possession…

“This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the minister……. Don, how are you? Thanks for finding the time to speak with me. Yeah, I know, the office told me it was a struggle to get the slot in between your daily three calls with the TDA, two with each of your four CCGs and one with each of your five local MPs.

“China was great. No… it wasn’t about selling them anything. I was much more interested in their command and control model. I’m thinking of outsourcing our regulators to the People’s Liberation Army. They really do public executions so efficiently… no nonsense or backchat!

“I’ve got a formal bit to go through with you, but informally I just wanted to say how much we all really appreciate all the hard work everybody is doing. Now where’s that formal bit…. lawyers have been all over this to make sure I get it right… it’ll probably end up in HSJ before I finish the call… ha, ha! Ah, here it is.

“Listen you useless scumbag. I can fire 95 per cent of you lot in a lot less than the four hours it’s been taking you to sort a lot less than 95 per cent of your patients. I’ve thrown millions at you to make sure I’m not embarrassed by A&E this winter. Sort it, or out of the two of us I’ll be the hero by spring and you’ll be seeking asylum in Wales.

“Err… I think that’s it. Oh, no…. forgot to turn the page over. Err…. oh yes. Merry Christmas, you’re a dead man walking!”