It's time to take a radically different approach to reducing health inequalities. The way that we're going we don't stand a chance.

You get the hoi polloi off the gaspers and they start filling their faces full of chips and create an obesity epidemic. Once we've gastric banded every one of them they'll probably take up driving down the motorway in the wrong direction or juggling with chain saws.

We need to turn this problem on its head. I propose that we refocus our energies on making the rich unhealthier rather than the poor healthier. As such, the legions of leaflet distributors - health promotion staff I think they call themselves - should be redirected into handing out free cigarettes at Henley and Wimbledon and organising support groups throughout middle England to help Waitrose shoppers change to Tesco's own-brand. Not sure what to do about teenage pregnancy yet but I'm sure that I'll come up with something.

But maybe it's worth one more go? My manifesto for a healthier nation:

  • No operation until you've given up smoking.

  • No child benefit and no place in school unless you've had the MMR jab.

  • Heroin on prescription for smack-heads.

That should do it, don't you think?

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