To: Don Wise, chief executive
From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive
Re: FT fantastic
Mrs Servant had a little operation recently that required a couple of days in hospital. The kids and I were thrilled and planned our takeaways with care and got out all the Die Hard DVDs.
We thought we'd give the local foundation trust the benefit of our custom for Mrs Servant's treatment. Wow! What a difference foundations make! We pulled up at reception and a smartly uniformed young man hopped in the car - valet parking all inclusive - while another helped Mrs Servant with her bags. We were promptly booked in and a guest comfort co-ordinator showed us to her room. We were told the consultant would give us half an hour to settle in, before stopping by to discuss the operation, and that we could browse the trust's leisure services brochure and the room's multimedia centre while we waited with complimentary coffee.
The consultant arrived in exactly half an hour and we had our discussion on the balcony overlooking the rose garden by the boating lake. He then took us inside for an interactive presentation on our media centre, which fully explained the procedure and was downloadable to our mobile phones and MP3 players. A nurse took Mrs Servant through pre-op checks. She would be unable to eat before her op, but I should feel free to call room service. They recommended the liver.
I then went home and returned later. During the op, I was looked after in the visitors' sensory support suite - massage and facial only£69 - and felt quite refreshed by the time Mrs Servant came round from the anaesthetic. The nurses made her jasmine tea, switched the room's lighting mood manager on and the consultant looked in again twice.
It was too good to be true. I regained consciousness lying in the car park, to find a couple of trust parking attendants giggling over me. I had fainted when I saw the parking charges after dropping Mrs Servant off and been on quite a surreal trip as a result. What have foundation trusts ever done for me? They've put the eff-ing into trusts.