To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Ooh you are awful, but I like you

Dear Don

Obviously we are as concerned as everyone else about the claims made about nurses quietly quaffing a little too much handwash gel and being able to get themselves into a bed faster than any four-hour target. It is curious that a Tory peer should have criticised this initiative as we all remember his party's flaccid little contributions to the public morals debate with their Back to Basics campaign.

We are monitoring the situation carefully, and considering a complaint to the strategic health authority about unscrupulous marketing; anxious that the lucrative young male chav market may now have been cornered as the hospital seeks to promote itself as the NHS equivalent to Club 18-30. Still, we must not be po-faced and should move with the times. If sex sells then we should be giving the punters what they want.

So we have introduced two new customer care videos for staff: Carry on Doctor and Carry on Nurse. We are piloting the use of double beds, placing Vaseline dispensers alongside handwash gels and experimenting with PVC hospital gowns and crimson velvet wall coverings.

Meanwhile, there has been some disquiet from other professions that nurses seem to have all the va-va-voom. That explains the radiologists' new slogan: "We put the X into Ray" and the physios claiming: "We know more positions than the Kama Sutra." We also need to ensure consistency with existing trust policies. So under health and safety we are revising the lifting and infection control policies and in support of our diversity agenda are assessing the sexual needs of all our staff and patients, regardless of race, colour, disability or sexuality.

Lastly, we are agreeing performance targets with the primary care trusts. Satisfaction should be provided within 10-15 minutes from initiation of therapy and 75 per cent of gratification should be provided on an outpatient basis, perhaps even in the community, and for once discharge summaries are strongly discouraged.