'This was the latest shipment of cyborgs destined for NHS Direct, which included a model that could put over a thousand calls on hold per minute.'

I've returned to the trust to continue the day job while reporting regularly to Mean Dean Dean, the SHA chief executive. I am now an undercover Project Stepford agent responsible for identifying local opportunities to introduce cyborgs into the local health economy.

Mean Dean Dean showed me the whole set-up and it was stunning. The wardrobe department had a full range of outsize clothes in artificial fibres and rainbow colours for the ladies, as well as an amazing collection of chunky welded metal and semi-precious stones.

In the men's collection were non-iron shirts which covered the whole off-white spectrum, scuffed shoes and the entire 1988 Tie Rack collection.

I saw a range of cyborgs being prepared for shipment which looked unfinished - no skin, exposed wiring and no faces. As I got closer, I could hear a broad range of regional accents all saying: 'Could you hold on a minute, love, while we see what the computer says?'

This was the latest shipment destined for NHS Direct, which included a model that could put over a thousand calls on hold per minute. Next was the VIP section, where they had just finished overhauling a model with new heat-resistant panelling, bright red skin tones and simulated sweat generation, ready for dispatch to East Africa. Mean Dean Dean explained that this was simply an extension of the scheme to recycle old medical equipment for developing countries.

The last section was rows of four-armed, headless cyborgs shuffling, stacking and arranging thousands of A4 sheets per second. Mean Dean Dean explained. 'Here's my SHA team. I'm leading by example, using cyborgs with only the narrow skill set I need to shift large quantities of paper quickly. Arms are more important than heads as they have no need to read or understand the material they handle.'