To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: If not now, when?

Dear Don,

We remain burdened with processes, protocols, policies and procedures for every decision we make. They are time-consuming, expensive, tedious and exist to keep regulators, auditors and SHAs employed. I have a solution. We should never make a decision and so avoid the attention of pedants and inadequates who only ever have more questions, but no answers.

Below is my eight-point guide to avoiding a decision at the end of a meeting:

  • Have a non-executive director chair the meeting - equivalent to a non-surgical lobotomy.

  • Establish a task force of all key directorates and their human equivalents in PCTs.

  • Go out to public consultation (on a concept of course), which will require consultation on a strategy, which will require resultant consultation on an implementation plan, by which time you and I will have been made redundant twice, collected our pensions and been reincarnated as the future generation of local councillors still scrutinising the issue.

  • Adopt partnership working. Hee hee!

  • Invite all the unions to collectively consider a proposition, which should lead to the happy prospect of at least two shop stewards killing each other while the rest compare where they got their sandals from.

  • Establish a sub-group of the board, which will require an alignment of diaries and insight only previously achieved by the Teletubbies (who could only agree La La's ball was blue).

  • Seek authority from the PCT, which will then ask the SHA, which will then ask the DH, which will then ask for briefing, which will require clarification before being passed back to the SHA, which will pass it back to the PCT which will probably have been merged or abolished by then, requiring the process to start all over again.

  • Appoint management consultants to develop options. They will carry on providing options and invoices unless they are physically torn limb from limb, shredded and incinerated.