To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Co-payment cunning

Dear Don

The co-payments operational understanding team (COPOUT) has been developing proposals to ensure our compliance with the new co-payment rules and to identify the opportunities they present. They have undertaken a root and branch review of all areas of clinical activity and talent to maximise income generation potential from existing resources. We have been particularly encouraged by the entrepreneurial spirit of staff who have suggested several profit sharing initiatives, cash-only incentive schemes and inheritance tax avoidance measures for next of kin.

The most lucrative area identified is beauty treatments. Chiropodists will now paint as well as shape your toes, physios will offer a personal trainer service and the radiologists have worked out how to tweak the x-ray machines to give you an all-over tan.

Next is a new market for us which looks lucrative in the run-up to Christmas. The scanning boys and girls now offer a complete personalised stationery and gift service: your scanned images available on everything from wrapping paper to calendars, mugs and cards. Our only professor is the first to use the service to create a personalised Christmas card to GPs with an image of his phenomenal brain.

Lateral thinking by the limb replacement team has seen them pioneer a service whereby your image can be rendered into a three dimensional object through adaptations to their plaster of paris moulding techniques. We already have bookings for hearts for Valentine's Day and as soon as we get the chocolate moulding accessories to them, lotharios will be able to offer their loved or lusted after ones any bit of their body in nibble-able dark, milk or white chocolate.

Meanwhile, the dermatologists will provide tattoo enhancements, the estates team are doing ashes scatterings and the planning team are reproducing framed, commemorative failed strategies from your date of birth.