To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Top of the docs

Dear Don

As you know, I chair the trust's Competency Assessment Centre for Qualified Carers (CACKQUACK) and we are excited by the new relicensing proposals for doctors. This chimes closely with our recent work, which I thought I should share with you.

We have developed a series of rigorous tests to assess whether our doctors can uphold the proudest traditions of the profession. Only by passing all of them will they be allowed access to the consultants' dining room and single sisters' noticeboard.

Test one: using only forward and reverse gears, can the candidate manoeuvre an E-Class Mercedes into a space reserved for ambulances in fewer than three movements?

Test two: incorporate the following words into a coherent sentence within the first 30 seconds of an outpatient appointment:

LONG LONG WAIT TOMORROW

PRIVATE THAT WILL DO NICELY

FLEXIBLE FRIEND

Test three: how far can a white, dimpled, spherical projectile weighing no more than 45.93 gm and no more than 42.67mm in diameter travel when it comes into contact with an iron staff with a flat surface at one end travelling in an arc at speed?

Test four: how many BMJs does it take to make a foot rest?

Test five: which of the following is the odd one out: patient, nurse, medical secretary, manager, doctor, physio, spouse? (Spouse, obviously, as they are the only ones they won't sleep with.)

Our testing will sort out the wheat from the chaff and ensure we have the consultant body everyone expects.