It subsequently entered the end of life care pathway with a “do not resuscitate” notice’

To: Don Wise

From: Paul Servant

Subject: RIP Health Act 2012

Whilst your mind was focused on the 14th rewrite of the 14 page FAQ explaining the rationale behind your salary, wisely written on a non-FOIable private iPad, and only linkable to your private server by password protected URL, I represented you at the memorial service for the Health and Social Care Act 2012. Here is an excerpt from the eulogy:

“Friends, we are gathered here today to lay to rest the Health Act 2012, after a short and troubled life. May it find eternal rest and a peace in death it never knew in life.

”We will never see its like again. Hopefully.

Read this week’s End Game: Hands up who’s been naughty

“It was conceived by parents who found themselves unexpectedly married, after a short fling, though it had in fact been created in a test tube. It evidently suffered developmental issues in gestation, before a traumatic and mishandled entry to the world, which triggered several “never again event” investigations.

“Even then, with care and love, it might have survived but it was sadly abandoned by its parents and was given to four foster agencies – Monitor, the CQC, the TDA and NHS England – who kept bickering about how to raise it before it was eventually placed with the Hunts.

“Sadly further trauma occurred necessitating some amputations. But the pathologist’s report said it was difficult to distinguish between the evidence for both smothering and attempted resuscitation. It subsequently entered the end of life care pathway with a “do not resuscitate” notice.

“Life support never having been provided, could not be withdrawn. It passed away in the presence of only a lawyer.

“Health Act 2012 was buried in the family plot alongside Monitor, the TDA, sustainable NHS finances, Andrew Lansley and the NHS Commissioning Board. It is interesting to observe there are still spaces left for a few more unfortunates.”