‘The Major Incident Plan has been implemented as the first effects of the new regime are felt. All leave has been cancelled and we are making do as best we can’

To: Don Wise, chief executive

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

Re: Regime change

The Major Incident Plan has been implemented as the first effects of the new regime are felt. All leave has been cancelled and we are making do as best we can. The refugee situation is the most pressing and the trickle has turned into a flood as managers from surrounding primary care trusts and the strategic health authority turn up seeking safety.

Some had evidently been planning for this eventuality and have arrived with new identities in their partners’ small-engined, non-descript cars, while the Mercs and BMWs stayed hidden at home.

Many others arrived later and the scenes have been quite distressing. Some had to run with whatever they could grab, a Microsoft Excel for Beginners course certificate, the emergency tie normally hidden under the stapler in the desk drawer; one had saved a cherished PCT quiz night runners-up trophyette.

We are doing what we can to help and have established space for them in the wards condemned as unfit for patient habitation. The Red Cross is supplying tea and biscuits, and we are working with emergency planners at the local authority to secure a supply of essential desk diaries. This evening the SAS (Special Administrators Squad) will form a raiding party to go into the PCT offices to try to retrieve items of sentimental value left behind in the rush to escape, such as white boards and photocopy paper. We are seeking to establish communications with the Department of Health to negotiate safe passage for the refugees to freely move about, but fear that similar distressing scenes may be happening there.

For us though it must be business as usual. The business plans continue to be written and rewritten. The risk assessments will carry on being created and adapted to the needs of each regulator. And the patients… well, they just keep on coming.