If GPs would not stop referring patients to hospital, we had to get rid of both.

To: Don Wise

From: Paul Servant, assistant chief executive

RE: Manifest nonsense

I had a weird dream last night. I travelled forward in time 10 years to 2020 - the International Year of Clear Hindsight. In my dream I am watching media reports on my iEye. This is an amazing device that replaces a real eye, fitting neatly into your socket (they supply a simple fork-like eye replacement kit with it).

It has full multimedia capability, great apps (I like the X-ray one, which lets me look through clothes!) and 4G and Greentooth connectivity.

The reports were about the sensational NHS war inquiry. For 10 years inspectors had been crawling all over the NHS looking for weapons of self-destruction. But the government lost faith with the inspectors and went in anyway. It unleashed the now notorious “mock and bore” campaign, which successfully destroyed the hospital sector.

The former chief medical officer, the UK’s leading acupuncturist, Lord Crazi, said: “We made a clear case for regime change from hospital to community. Our intelligence showed there was a clear and present danger and that patients could find themselves in a hospital bed within four hours.”

This notorious claim is now widely discredited, with no evidence being found by inspectors.

Prime minister Andrew Burnsley gave evidence, saying: “I had to do what I thought was right. I was always ready to negotiate as long as they agreed with me. But if GPs would not stop referring patients to hospital, we had to get rid of both. It is unfair to say we didn’t plan properly. The hospital closure campaign was completed within three months, the most effective ever. Yes, the reconstruction was harder than we anticipated, but we now have millions of people being treated in our NHS Community Network of massage parlours, Chinese medicine clinics and acupuncture centres.”