Those incorrigible romantics at the Department of Health gave the nation £30m to get their teeth sorted as a Valentine’s gift this year.

“A healthy smile and fresh breath are essential ingredients for those hoping to make a perfect impression,” a  spokesman blathered. “And with a smile being one of the first things you notice about a potential partner, it has never been more important.”

Minister for charm Earl Howe even claimed better oral health was a “key priority of the government” – which End Game would not have believed had anyone else said it.

It’s hard to be in the mood for love and in the mood for dentistry at the same time. But chief dental officer Barry Cockcroft did his best: “Having stained teeth, unhealthy gums and bad breath is not only bad for your health, it is so damaging for confidence too. This Valentine’s Day, I really hope people will take the opportunity to do something about it.”

Ninja Health Service

Meanwhile visitors to Weston Favell Shopping Centre in Northamptonshire were being subjected to an epically weird Valentine’s Day health awareness tie in.

“Look after your heart this Valentine’s Day”, began the press release, innocuously enough.

“We all like to look good for our special someone on Valentine’s Day, but what would we think if we could actually see how we look on the inside?”


“Would we take better care if we really did wear our hearts on our sleeves?

“This month, NHS Northamptonshire’s health ninjas will be out and about in the county, encouraging people to have a health check!

“Their suits will illustrate vital organs like the heart, to show on the outside what’s important on the inside.”

That sorted Mrs End Game’s Valentine’s Day surprise.