I am trying to provide seamless and overarching service delivery, but every time I get people together to discuss it, they just shout at each other. Is this my fault?
No, it's not your fault, but you have obviously chosen the wrong uniform designers. Seamless garments have to be made from bonded nylon, which is very hot and sweaty. This is why people are getting a bit narked. Just get them to wear proper uniforms with starch in them and all will be well.
As to throwing things at each other. . . well, what do you expect at an archery club? Honestly! The whole object is to fire things all over the place so that you can hit the bullseye, a bit like that nice Mr Milburn, really. Service delivery can be tricky, however, especially if you don't know the British Forces Post Office number of the serviceman or woman you are trying to contact. The Defence Medical Agency was created so that the NHS could be responsible for treating soldiers and sorting things out for them. I hope that's clear.
I keep having terrible dreams. I am on a distant planet and people are calling me 'minister'. I find myself saying the same thing over and over again. Can this be treated?
Why do you want to treat it? Many people would give their right arms to be in your position.
Some things have to be repeated quite a lot because, as you know, we have to put the building blocks in place so that the future is better for our children.
Of course you are dreaming because you think you are on a distant planet. Real ministers are in the thick of it, struggling to drag public bodies into the 21st century whilst old-style hooligans like that mayor chappie, Red Kensington, keep getting in the way.
If it really is bothering you, why not change your diet? No more custard creams or cheese sandwiches before bedtime - try guacamole and tofu on unbleached rye.
Alternatively you could read a good book. May I suggest my latest biography of Leo Blair, Born to Be Filed , published by Millbank Enterprises. It's at all good booksellers now.