Our hospital social club has just started running 'exotic' entertainment evenings. On Tuesdays it's a hen night for the ladies with male strippers and so on, while Thursdays are stag nights for the lads with the female variety. The club makes quite a lot of money which it donates to keep our special care baby unit going. Do you think this is OK?

'Pammy', Bolsover

What a blast! I'll bet the girls look forward to their Tuesdays, eh? Why don't you ask some of those yummy young medics to perform for you? That's bound to be worth an extra pound or two.

This seems to me to be an excellent initiative to harness the charitable instincts of your staff for a worthwhile end.

The stag nights are another matter. This really is unacceptable sexism, which women find offensive and you should stop it at once. This will give you a chance to provide more wholesome alternatives like beer, footie and fags nights for the lads, or darts, doughnuts and daiquiri evenings. This would be better all round. Alternatively you could just let the girls have two nights a week.

I have noticed a strange lump in the middle of my desk. It came on suddenly last Thursday and seems to be getting bigger. Is it dangerous?

'Worried', Manchester

Well, without examining the lump I can't be sure, but it sounds like the rather unpleasant 'red-light' virus. How is your trust performing? If you are not doing too well then it certainly is 'red-light'.

What will happen is that the lump will get bigger and bigger until eventually it bursts and out pops a man in a grey suit who will take over all your functions, replace you with a strategic review group and an Internet web address, before renaming your hospital as a beacon site. I'm afraid there is no cure.

On the other hand, if you are doing all right then you don't have too much to worry about. The lump is probably caused by that nice Mr Milburn stuffing money into your desk as a performance bonus which will shower you with nearly£47.50 on 1 April.

I hope this makes you feel better. Just keep taking the medicine.

Why not let Mel help solve your problem?

E-mail her, in the strictest confidence, at: Mdestrange@healthcare.emap.co.uk