Get ting to know me

Avid for self-development, I was one of 34 people who travelled to London for the King's Fund top manager programme last year.

It was extremely challenging. Most of the others knew at least one other participant. Everyone being a complete stranger to me, I felt the odd one out. We ranged in age from 30 to 50, doctors, scientists, a dentist, and managers from the NHS, social services and independent providers. Work revolved around groups of various sizes.

One simulation event concerned a child who had died from meningitis in an area where there was a shortage of paediatric intensive care beds, and where there had been questionable actions by a senior house officer. The group was split into trust, health authority, community health council, campaigners and observers. I was a trust chair whose expertise in media and communications was totally ignored and who felt immense satisfaction watching a colleague squirm when confronted with media questions. He had refused to listen to me. Then I felt guilt.

We talked about the exercise over lunch and I learned how I behave if I feel I am not listened to. My colleague realised how excluding he could be when he is in control. We were friends throughout the rest of the course.

I think I now have an idea of how we managers sometimes treat non-executives, and I stop to think before making assumptions. I also take a deep breath before reacting when I think I have not had much influence over issues. Is it me or are they really not listening?

Getting to know myself, warts and all, was painful, particularly in the first weeks. How could I deal with being told (via feedback on an anonymous questionnaire) that somebody believed me to be 'rude, judgemental, over- promoted, without the skills to do the job and should be demoted'. Members of the course helped me put this into perspective and identify what was important. They said I should work less in my own free time, and I have taken that on board.

This has had a direct effect on how I deal with things back at the ranch. Rather than confronting individuals and forcing issues, I try to empower people and help them feel confident to undertake their work.

I learned that, while I thought my team had been empowered, they wanted more support when doing something new. One commented: 'I would like her to be more aware that not everyone can grasp new ideas as quickly as she does.' I believed they would come to me if they had a problem. I learned that I could communicate better. The challenge has been to give the level of support they want without becoming controlling.

The problem-solving and group work has helped with real situations. After the simulation event about the child with meningitis, I felt confident to be assertive with colleagues, and so when a difficult screening incident arose, I was able to manage.

Responding to the incident, I called an action group together of trust and HA colleagues and led the process to ensure the CHC and other appropriate people were kept fully informed. We were pro-active with the media, and dealt with GPs and patients sensitively. A major press disaster was avoided.

Looking at problems through the eyes of other players, and taking account of their needs, certainly requires practice. But I have started.

The skills and experience of other participants have proved invaluable, both in providing general support and specific help. The programme stirred extremes of emotion in me. Sometimes I was angry enough to spit; at other times I laughed so much I ached. Emotions got to boiling point in small group meetings - on one occasion a journal was hurled.

I learned how to manage situations in ways I would never have dreamed of previously and started to keep a journal, which I do to this day.

I expected to learn a lot from others and I did. But I learned more about myself than I could have imagined. And the learning has not stopped. As we were told in the first lecture: 'Experiential learning is not from others, it's by doing and experiencing for yourself.'

Has it changed me? I think so and so does my family. I now say 'no' more often. I put real value on spending time with them and relaxing. I also spend more time doing what I want to.

The programme made me absorb and use all the management theories that I had known about before, particularly those about increasing your own effectiveness by taking care of yourself. It made me question almost everything I believed about myself. I was grateful to find out that I was not so bad after all. I try to hang on to that and improve.