Published:25/04/2002, Volume II2, No. 5802, Page 18 19

St Bop's diary (with apologies to Helen Fielding) Monday 1 April 2002 Excellent day, feeling relaxed and content after five glasses of Chardonnay and a family-sized chocolate bar.

Still, it is a Bank Holiday.

Tuesday 2 April Surprisingly quiet in the office, so pinch the last of the health authority coffee before the strategic health authority chief executive designate returns from his holidays. Need two glasses of wine to get over the fact milk has been cancelled.

Wednesday 3 April am Memo from the new estates manager asking whoever nicked the last of the coffee to return it, as the PCT chief execs want refreshments for their 7.30am meeting.

pm: Urgent e-mail from personnel informing us the milk delivered on Tuesday by mistake is to be billed to the PCTs.

Wonder if it would be worth billing them for the Chardonnay.

Thursday 4 April Run out of photocopying paper and toner for the printer. Reprographics inform us that unless we have the correct PCT payment code no supplies will be released.

Later in the morning, receive a communication (back of a fag packet) from smoking cessation service reporting that the incidence of smoking among exHA staff has increased by 50 per cent over the last three days.

Friday 5 April Have to arrange large mailing to local strategic partnership, but find I have to get envelopes, compliments slips and stamps from the lead PCT 12 miles away. Decide to call in at wine store instead.

Monday 8 April e-mail local strategic partnership instead.

Tuesday 9 April Caught using another PCT's printer and given a lecture on which equipment had been designed for use by my PCT. Have to stand in front of desk drawer to hide hip flask from the boss. Still waiting to find out which bike shed has been allocated to my PCT's smokers.

Wednesday 10 April All e-mail addresses have been changed and I've lost my wine merchants' favourites list. Go home early as no paper, no computer account and nothing left in hip flask.

Ex health authority employees (names and addresses withheld -we'd be sacked for gross insubordination)