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Parliament is such a fine institution, Monitor has always thought, allowing our elected representatives - not to mention the unelected ones - to subject the toughest issues of our time to their diligent scrutiny. The NHS is a hot topic, of course, and nowhere is hotter than a GP's radiator. That is right - the fearless investigative work of Matthew Green, Lib Dem MP for Ludlow, has uncovered the dangers that lurk in waiting rooms up and down the country. 'How many patients, ' Mr Green asks, 'have been burnt by radiators in GP surgeries in each of the past 10 years?' His immaculately researched question also raises the vexed issue of radiator guards and their cost - It is never too early to get your comprehensive spending review bids in, Monitor feels.

But a shocking information gap is revealed, as junior health minister Hazel Blears is forced to reply that 'information on the number of radiators and incidents is not collected centrally'. What? Where has the usually thoughtful Peter Homa and his team from CHI been all this time? Should the Audit Commission be ordered in to count? 'Burns from radiators are not reportable under the Reporting of Incidents, Diseases and Dangerous Occurrences regulations, ' Ms Blears continues, leaving Monitor to wonder what the point of regulation is if they do not cover Incidents and Dangerous Occurrences as a bare minimum. But the real reason cannot be concealed. 'To collect the information requested would incur disproportionate costs, ' the junior minister admits.

Rationing is a terrible thing, truly.

Now, time for a crackdown on waiting lists. Monitor has taken to heart what Alan Milburn keeps saying about the importance of having a health service designed around the needs of impatience. Or something like that. But the DoH itself is the culprit in a worrying case that has come to Monitor's attention. Once upon a time, a long time ago, the DoH conducted an interesting survey - no, really - about trusts' use of the concordat with the private sector. Surely the results could usefully inform the slightly stormy debate about the use of BUPA troopers? Well, possibly, but the results are not forthcoming, though the survey's closing date was 12 October. So every week, a poor exploited HSJ hackette is condemned to ring up and ask when the results will appear. And every week, a nice press officer replies: 'Not this week. The results are being analysed.' While the wait goes on, autumn has gone and spring is upon us.

And It is still being analysed. The survey has been in analysis so long, Monitor wonders whether it will eventually be released as a Woody Allen film. Could the DoH have gone all sensitive about the cash the NHS is bunging to our private partners? Monitor promises a weekly update.

It is not as if our health secretary needs any more grief. Monitor is quite concerned at the attention Big Al is getting from what is ominously known as 'sections of the media'. It started with those hounds in the Lobby. Did Mr Milburn 'retain the full confidence of the prime minister', they enquired nastily of Tony's official spokesperson only the other week. But rather than back our man to the hilt, Number 10's mouthpiece chose to ask whether this was anything to do with a 'reshuffle interrogation' to which he had been subjected the day before. 'No, no, ' cried the assembled newshounds, it was a quite new question. To which the spokesmachine replied that he was 'just as bored with it as he had been yesterday'. A rather tepid, one-star kind of endorsement, health managers might agree. And one that allowed speculation to continue about whether our Alan had been 'told to clear his diary' or even 'whether it was because he was connected to 'Steelgate''. But surely Big Al is safe for a while yet? The next London mayoral election is barely on the horizon.

Monitor is worried that the strain is beginning to show on Alan's lovely face.

Recent pictures portray a man who just doesn't look happy. Poor Mr Milgurn seems unable to produce the beaming smile of inner joy and contentment.

His brave attempts range from crumpled misery to a grimace-like 'smile' that suggests an upset tummy. Monitor is sure the health secretary must frequently be seen with an ear-to-ear grin of unrestrained good humour and calls on readers to help. E-mail Monitor if You have got photographic evidence.