monitor

Respec'! If the Queen Mother, God rest her bejewelled soul, could reduce her grandsons to a heaving mass of giggles with her uncannily accurate Ali G impressions, why shouldn't Monitor give it a whirl? Yes, Monitor is always hip to the tricks of the latest groove going down on the street, so to speak, so It is not surprising that the Monitor twins are even now installing their own 'massive' 'in da house'. The suggestions that back-to-front caps are not quite the thing for gentleman aged 34 and above went down badly. And indeed Monitor was reminded that the look never did Willy Hague much harm - in fact it only blighted his political career.

But what's this? It turns out that South Staffordshire Healthcare trust is getting down on the scene. Monitor has been searching his treasure trove of fascinating, yet not absolutely necessary, press releases - and Clinical Governance for Real week stood out from the crowd. For real, man! Perhaps the ho's and homeboys of the South Staffs 'massive' could teach us all about bringing the clinical governance message to the kids. Or perhaps not.

Some press releases are too good - too special - for Monitor to quite know what to do with them. But when Cantillon King Advertising got in touch with a lovely compliments slip which explicitly said, 'I hope you can find room for this in your next issue.' Monitor couldn't help but share CKA's hope. And then he read the release, which was actually from Fulton Boiler Works (Great Britain) Ltd. It was so interesting that Monitor wondered if he should share it with HSJ readers in full. But in case you missed the point, the press release has an especially extra heading to really market itself. And it goes like this:

'NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS.' That is news multiplied by ten. And news it very much is: especially for hacks and hackettes looking for items of interest to the health-policy world.

Here it is in a nutshell:

New Fulton Boiler is just the job for Rayners.

Rayners Catering Equipment Hire has recently specified a Fulton 15J vertical boiler to raise steam for two new German washing and sterilising machines that the company has installed to clean hire items such as cutlery, crockery and glassware .' Want to know more? Erm... 'A steam boiler was specified because the machines, which operate with demineralised and softened water for glass washing, need a constant supply of hot water to prevent them from shutting down. Mr Gordon of Rayners, who specified the Series J boiler, researched the market first and received quotations from the UK's leading boiler manufacturers .'

Mr Gordon goes on (and then some): 'Knowing very little about steam boilers [rather like the average HSJ reader] the decision to purchase a Fulton was largely due to the on-site technical advice we received prior to placing the order, and an independent recommendation. Not only does the boiler cope very well with the demands of the much larger machinery, it also has enough extra capacity to run new laundry machines that we are hoping to install , ' says Mr Gordon.

He goes on to say... No! Enough! Fulton Boiler Works (Great Britain) Ltd is on the shortlist for least relevant, least interesting press release ever to land in Monitor's post bag. And it has every chance of scooping the top prize, in Monitor's most considered opinion.

But not all press releases are self-promoting and slightly tedious (discuss).

Here's one from Actamed Ltd, which is highlighting a new study published in The Lancet which shows that warming patients the day before surgery reduces the risks of post-operative infection. Which is all well and good. And a good reason for hospitals to purchase Bair Hugger blankets, produced by Actamed Ltd. There is only one thing which could yet deter them. And It is the spooky 1950s-styled picture used to illustrate the frightening Bair Hugger blanket. See the calm, almost sedated expression worn by the still model.

Imagine yourself wrapped tightly in the drowsy warmth of the Bair Hugger.

Now sleep... Sleeeeeep... do not have nightmares.