Published: 18/07/2001, Volume II2, No.5814 Page 41

Monitor does like a top scoop. You know, a highly sought-after titbit of info snatched from under the noses of Fleet Street's finest. So it was with great expectation that Monitor raced for a copy of the July/August issue of NHS Magazine, hot off the press, having heard that a major revelation was in store in its pages. And Monitor was not disappointed, oh no. For there it was - Big Al's 'first major interview since the Budget'. What luck - Monitor has barely heard a peep out of our glorious health secretary since mid-April, so it was with relish that he read on.

Big Al really is a sweet man. Imagine 'making space in his busy diary to speak exclusively to NHS Magazine', as the article says he did. But which lucky journo has managed to secure this impressive degree of ministerial access?

Apparently a man called Jon Hibbs. Monitor is sure that Mr Hibbs is a sleuthlike investigative journalist of the highest order, but can't help wondering if he is in any way related to Jon Hibbs, the senior press officer at the Department of Health who, the Richmond House website tells us, covers 'media relations for the secretary of state'. Still, Monitor is sure that an interview by Mr Milburn's own press officer will be just as incisive as any other kind.

And indeed, along with the friendly chit chat - 'The health secretary's sense of humour is what helps keep him going in one of the toughest jobs in public life' - and the bits that read curiously like Mr Milburn's recent speeches, there are 'unexpected personal queries' for the health secretary to fend off. And his peculiar habits are exposed in full: 'He promptly grabs an apple from the bowl of fruit on the coffee table and gnaws furiously at it.' NHS managers even now must be quaking behind their desks at the thought of a furious gnawing from Big Al. Perhaps it was a zero-star apple.

And our hard-hitting interviewer knows how to get tough: 'What about more pay?' he asks. Monitor was charmed by Big Al's response. 'At that point, Milburn purses his lips in a moue and comes over all coy.' This truly is a journalistic first: spotting coyness in what must surely be the unlikeliest area.

But Monitor's colleagues were a tad puzzled by the 'moue'. The health secretary is known for his enormous range of facial expressions, ably communicating everything from extreme fury to a nasty stomach ache. But making a moue is a different thing. Is this a move towards a lighter, frothier, kissy-kissy Mr Milburn? Has he remodelled his life on well-known moue-ist Kenneth Williams? Perhaps the dictionary provides the answer: 'moue' is French for 'pout'. Monitor wonders whether Mr Milgurn used to pout, but has now commissioned a moue en franþais , perhaps with a nice French privatesector surgical team attached. Diligent picture research has produced a Milburn moue-ment so readers can judge for themselves.

And now, credit where credit is due. Readers may remember the great joy with which Monitor perused the useful website discussion forum set up by the NHS Pensions Agency. The fabulous site provided all kinds of fascinating info - with the rude bits removed. For those pondering what could possibly be rude about retirement age, Monitor can only suggest a little more experimentation in the bedroom. You're as young as you feel, as Mrs Monitor always says. But the Pensions Agency's overactive 'net nanny' system had managed to find a bit of extra rudeness, replete as it was with advice on 'en*censored* lements for lo*censored* prac*censored* ioners'.

Since Monitor last visited, however, the site has been gloriously modernised.

Now locum practitioners' entitlements can be discussed in full. A nice press officer at the Pensions Agency explains that the net nanny came built into the software when the site was upgraded. But, with admirable frankness, he adds: 'The upshot was, We have got rid of it. It made us look ridiculous.' Monitor, never keen on censorship, is hugely relieved.