Monitor is indisposed this week. Instead Mrs Monitor has agreed to take up the quill.

Ffion Hague. Mary Archer. Norma Major. Mrs Monitor would never pretend to be in the same league as such elite company. But everyone needs a role model. And since Monitor took on celebrity status all those years ago, Mrs Monitor has learnt to take a backseat role, distancing herself from the glamour, glitz, and minor indiscretions that notoriety brings. Mrs Monitor would never dream of criticising Monitor's public persona - nor of questioning the internal workings, such as they are, of his mind.

But Mrs Monitor is no doormat. When Monitor is cavorting with top names in clinical governance, Mrs Monitor has her own life, and her own interests; feng shui, mini-golf, beginners' Portuguese. Separate lives, lived in harmony. A recipe that works for literally many marriages in Britain. Until now. For the post at Monitor Towers has revealed a side to Monitor that no woman could live with. A secret so dark, so utterly unspeakable, that Mrs Monitor feels it is time to reveal her side of the story. It began with an anonymous letter, (printed in full on HSJ's sordid scandal-mongering circulation-hungry letters page) accusing Monitor of causing rising figures in teenage pregnancy. Boys will be boys, reckoned Mrs Monitor, but when the anonymous letter-writer suggested that the figures would be 'doubled' if he kept up the good work, the scale of the problem became apparent. Always the last to know, eh? Mrs Monitor was glad Carlo, the fitness instructor, was there with a somewhat muscular shoulder to cry on. But one thing was worse than the suggestion that Monitor spends his days impregnating the young: 'Are we to believe Monitor is the Benny Hill of journalism?' the correspondent asks. No, Monitor is not dead.

Confusingly, our anonymous source goes on: 'If he only classes penetrative sex as sex can I suggest he is doing it wrong (if at all judging by the excitable language). '

Mrs Monitor has always taken the view that within the marital bedroom the curtains should remain tightly closed. But to have anonymous letter-writers speculating on the sexual performance of one's spouse. . . well, Mrs Monitor cannot let that go! Suffice to say marriage chez Monitor Towers puts as much emphasis on the spiritual and the intellectual as anything so base as physical needs. Perhaps a reluctance to indulge in the exotic experiments to which our anonymous correspondent clearly refers is no longer fashionable. But the existence of the Monitor twins - so far sheltered from the spotlight - can surely put paid to one of the correspondent's unsavoury claims.

Nonetheless, Monitor is enjoying a short spell in a public-private clinic for nerve-related issues, so Mrs Monitor has agreed to take charge of the rest of this week. First off, news in from Lincolnshire and Humberside University (sweet! ), who have invented a masters degree in coping with disaster. Mrs Monitor expects some of HSJ's readers could learn a thing or two from that. Confusingly, the 'teaching programme is shot through with leading-edge psychosocial research looking at real issues'. The MSc in Trauma and Disaster Management Studies is offered by the Lincolnshire Institute for Health and costs£2,400. Readers looking for a cheaper way to suffer might consider a weekend in Ely with Monitor. Only joking!

But Mrs Monitor couldn't be more excited by a press release hot off the press from Doncaster and Bassetlaw Hospitals trust. For its MRI scanner is two years old! Happy birthday, dear scanner! How exciting. Mrs Monitor never could understand how Monitor tired of getting the news as it happens. Anyway, to celebrate the event, the trust gave an orthopaedic patient a Grimsby Town Football Club shirt and signed football, while his parents got a bottle of champagne!

Which inspired Mrs Monitor to think of a great new competition. Have you got equipment That is reached a significant birthday? Perhaps you have an endoscope That is celebrating 25 years good service! Or a colposcope that remembers the second world war! Do let Mrs Monitor know the stories over the years of fun You have had with medical equipment, and how you celebrated its anniversary. But - as my dear husband would have said - keep it clean! Cheerio!